.... i love you?

when i fall asleep after crying too much
and im so tired of crying

you know that split second when you first awaken and feel nothing
and then everything hits you
and then i remember that i was crying
and in that moment when i was asleep it was just a pause

i cant stop hurting
and i cant stop crying

i laid in your bed
youre so close but so far
i smell your bedsheet and it was like nothing changed
nothing just that you werent there
and wont be anymore

you used to hold me
kiss my forehead
tell me everything will be OK
is it OK if we weren't OK in the first place
when we said we could try, i believed in it so much
to a point where it just backfired

your smell
your touch
your smile
your eyebrow when i tell you to do 'the thing'
when i stick my tongue out and you do the same
when everything felt like magic and sparkles
i guess i hold too much of that and youve let that go

i cried
and i cried
and i cant stop crying

do you know how it feels to love someone who doesnt love you back
i wish it never happens to anyone
because i always say life is great
and i fear of dying

this is the first time i actually feel like shutting everything out