can i be a kid again?

if i waited another couple more months my next post would've been exactly a year after lol. when i was a kid i used to ask myself why adults stopped gaming (nostalgic games i.e. maplestory), posting on their blogs, or just pre-teen stuff in general. now i know it's because time becomes scarce as we age.

time is objective, and is the same for everyone - but it seems to carry a different speed at different ages.

so, so badly do i want to be a kid again. carefree is an understatement. being absolutely, ignorantly, genuinely, happy - that is my definition of being a kid.

it's good that i'm realising my dreams. but it's bad that time is flying by twice as fast while i live my life at normal speed. i'm not even good at living my life. i sound like a loser but i got my first 'credit' in vet school last trimester. good bye to my consistent '(high) distinctions' lol.

i was browsing through my facebook feed and i saw the quote "a day i spend with my mom is a day less she has left" on a fucking food review video (what is the link srsly) - that was NOT what i needed, especially because i have anxiety around anything death-related. i can't afford to lose anyone i hold close to my heart, it's too painful. imagining it is just torture. i would split myself into so many people if i could, just to do the things i love and spend the time with people i love.

so many people i've lost (not in a life-death sense) over the years. i'm so grateful for social media as we get to at least be their friends or followers just to see how they're doing.

also just an update from my previous post - ugg did pass away. and i got another rat, wes, whom also passed away shortly a couple months after. i've got lee and pinky now, and i love them more everyday.

bas and i are still going strong and i hope it stays that way. i'm so grateful to have crossed paths with him despite the rough journey we've had. his patience and kindness reminds me to better myself and it's not easy finding someone with a similar sense of humour. i love you and i appreciate you so much.

i'm super behind on lectures but i'm too tired to do anything about it. till next time.

xx

the best bois

ugg is sick, and the vet and i think it's lymphoma. vetpath hasn't gotten back regarding the FNA yet, but from the looks of it ...

i found this article that brought some sort of comfort, in knowing that ugg isn't alone and many others have had it before.

i tried to be the best rat owner because it was my first time keeping rats, and maybe the first half of the year that i had them wasn't the best care i could give - i was learning new things about them and rats in general; how to care for them and what they like to eat.

they're too intelligent for humans and i may have dumbed them down while having them, but i hope they enjoyed every bit of it. i should've explored more and spent more time into knowing what they loved and hated and acted on it.

i let them roam around the house because the cage is too small for their big minds. if only they could see the rest of the world. that life is beyond the 4 walls i've exposed them to.

maybe that's all they need. and maybe that's their definition of content.

that ugg has lee, and lee has ugg. they love each other so much and i love them so much too.

they were the best thing that ever happened to me and i am so sorry, i wish i could have done so much more for you both.

i love you ugg & lee. i love you forever.

x

unmotivated

so, so, unmotivated to study this semester, and i don't know why.
is it because i'm so tired from the past 3 semesters? because we have lesser units and number of midsems so i don't feel as pressured?

a path midsem coming up friday but i still am procrastinating a lot and study progress is hell slow.

gin, gin, gin ... wake up. you're here for a reason. make it happen.

//
a lot has happened between and around us, but i want to be able to just sit down and appreciate the moment. the moment we are at now. the moment that we found each other and are working to be OK, and it seems to be OK (i hope). you give me so much joy, and you are too patient with me. i would 100% NOT date myself. i love you more every day.

x

thanks for being a friend?

tbh i think i'm trying too hard to be your good friend and you put in so little effort. i understand everyone's busy and i honestly couldn't care less about late replies - just that it happens too often and you just text loads to other people while disregarding my texts. i have to keep initiating and double texting just to get a reply to a simple, "hey how are you let me know".

so am i such a good friend to you as you say i am?

quite tired of chasing up and trying to check up on you when you don't bother to do much.

i'll just leave things as is right now. maybe this is why i only trust few people. i hate being disappointed.

bleagh

am i not enough or do i just expect too much of myself?
this semester has been hard and is still difficult to get through.

please get better ....