I partially gave up on my already-fat body and ate a lot of shit the past week because I kept telling myself, "Oh, it's finals. You can eat this. Calories don't count..."
And I regret everything. Last week was just hectic and I only went to F45 once, and weeks before that I was just struggling with F45, trying to get enough sleep and just studying as much as I can.
I am not as productive as I think I am ... I have to study more, I am not studying enough. I am not exercising enough and I have to stop eating shit....
Gin. Get your shit together.
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Saturday, April 28, 2018
free
how do i feel free again
be OK with everything
cut the strings
release me
release me
...
i will release myself
i will cut the strings
i will do it on my own
by myself
because i did it before
and i can do it again
and i can feel free
i am capable of love
but who do i love
what do i love
maybe i should start with myself
my friends
my ..... everything else
that i have neglected, forgot to love
forgot to tell, "i love you" to
being alone isn't so bad
it wasn't bad
it isn't bad
i was OK
i will be OK
maybe i am OK
i just need to believe it
i need to believe in myself
maybe i don't do that enough
release
and you will be free
and you will be happy
Sunday, April 15, 2018
the first time
nothing is enough to mend a broken heart
i thought i was okay and that i could push away the feelings
but i guess that's what you get for loving someone who doesn't love you back
having the constant reminder through little actions that you mean lesser
the words he uses when he speaks to you
the way he used to speak to you
the way he speaks to another whom means more to him
why do i still cling onto what we had
why do i still keep thinking about how you just threw that all away
why am i so caught up with what we've lost
why do you seem so eager to leave
maybe im too naive
thinking whatever we had was genuine and absolute happiness
thinking that you would want that again
with me
when we went grocery shopping
or decided to be disgusting so we got an oreo mcflurry each
the first time you told me to try it with caramel
the first time you rapped for me in the car
the first time your skin touched mine
the first time you spoke to me
the first time you smiled at me
the first time i saw you
i never knew you would mean this much
i never knew i would hurt this much
i thought i was okay and that i could push away the feelings
but i guess that's what you get for loving someone who doesn't love you back
having the constant reminder through little actions that you mean lesser
the words he uses when he speaks to you
the way he used to speak to you
the way he speaks to another whom means more to him
why do i still cling onto what we had
why do i still keep thinking about how you just threw that all away
why am i so caught up with what we've lost
why do you seem so eager to leave
maybe im too naive
thinking whatever we had was genuine and absolute happiness
thinking that you would want that again
with me
when we went grocery shopping
or decided to be disgusting so we got an oreo mcflurry each
the first time you told me to try it with caramel
the first time you rapped for me in the car
the first time your skin touched mine
the first time you spoke to me
the first time you smiled at me
the first time i saw you
i never knew you would mean this much
i never knew i would hurt this much
Thursday, April 12, 2018
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
today
today i woke up with a heavy heart
i looked in the mirror and i saw someone tired
someone hurt
someone i want to embrace and tell her it's OK
today i saw you
and my heavy heart sank further
was it a sense of nostalgia
or was it a sense of loss
when i look into your blue eyes
i see the vastness of the world
the possibilities and the failures
today we sat close
and i felt relief
and i wonder, did you feel it too?
today i felt uncertainty
you told me you were unsure
but you told me you were sure
your words don't surprise me
but why do i feel hurt each time they fall through your teeth?
today i remember how much i missed your smile
today i looked at the trees
how the bees poked at its leaves
how the birds flew above in the blue sky
and i realised the vastness of the world
were beyond just your blue eyes
today i wanted to let you go
but i looked at you
and i felt my heavy heart sink to its furthest
today i missed you more
you're close by
but still so far
i reach for you and you don't reach back
today i hurt again
i looked in the mirror and i saw someone tired
someone hurt
someone i want to embrace and tell her it's OK
today i saw you
and my heavy heart sank further
was it a sense of nostalgia
or was it a sense of loss
when i look into your blue eyes
i see the vastness of the world
the possibilities and the failures
today we sat close
and i felt relief
and i wonder, did you feel it too?
today i felt uncertainty
you told me you were unsure
but you told me you were sure
your words don't surprise me
but why do i feel hurt each time they fall through your teeth?
today i remember how much i missed your smile
today i looked at the trees
how the bees poked at its leaves
how the birds flew above in the blue sky
and i realised the vastness of the world
were beyond just your blue eyes
today i wanted to let you go
but i looked at you
and i felt my heavy heart sink to its furthest
today i missed you more
you're close by
but still so far
i reach for you and you don't reach back
today i hurt again
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